


Constipated Hearts Club

by slotumn



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Banter, Crushes, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, F/M, Humor, M/M, Pining, Romantic Comedy, thats it thats the fic, yuri and linhardt are bartenders listening to three idiots pine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24808627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: "She's perfect. I think I'm in love."This sentiment came from none other than Felix Hugo Fradalius, noted lone wolf and frigid bitch, regarding Bernadetta von Varley.He wouldn't have been caught dead saying such things under regular circumstances, of course.No, this was possible because he was at the Constipated Hearts Club meeting, where people who couldn't bring themselves to confess to their crushes got together to talk about it while drinking over a pseudo-bar setup.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Bernadetta von Varley, Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan, Raphael Kirsten/Ignatz Victor, marianne/linhardt (background), yuri/hapi (background)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 54
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	Constipated Hearts Club

**Author's Note:**

> Done for the [kink meme](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1608.html?style=site&thread=1745224). Drunk idiots talking about their crushes was fun to write.

"She's perfect. I think I'm in love."

This sentiment came from none other than Felix Hugo Fradalius, noted lone wolf and frigid bitch, regarding Bernadetta von Varley. 

He wouldn't have been caught dead saying such things under regular circumstances, of course. 

No, this was possible because he was at the Constipated Hearts Club meeting, where people who couldn't bring themselves to confess to their crushes got together to talk about it while drinking over a pseudo-bar setup.

"Well, what do you like about her, exactly?" Yuri asked, pouring another cup of gin. "The love of carnivorous plants? That's pretty cute."

The group consisted of Felix, Lysithea, Ignatz, Linhardt, and Yuri, of which only the first three were actually romantically constipated. The other two were just there to amuse themselves while watching the three idiots under the guise of being bartenders.

"Yes, that and," Felix whipped his head around, "how do you know that about her?"

"From observation," Yuri shrugged. "No need to get jealous, Felix, I'm already in a committed relationship. Go on."

"She's...she's really good with her hands," Felix slurred. 

Somebody chortled.

"Not like that, you damned perverts," he grumbled. "Anyway, she's good at archery, she's good at sewing, and painting, and writing, and...that little hair accessory she wears, she made that herself. That's fucking adorable."

"It is!" Ignatz nodded.

"This is the first time I've heard all that about her," Lysithea said. "Does she ever come out of her room?"

"She does, and she said she does it to make me smile, so that means she's off-limits to all of you, got it?"

"Yes, yes, we know you love her, you've been swooning about it all evening," Linhardt yawned. "So, how are you going to tell her?"

"..."

"It's okay, man, one step at a time," Yuri said, shaking a bottle. "Next time maybe you'll be able to say all this without alcohol, eh?"

"Shut up," Felix grumbled, and let his head fall onto the counter.

\---

"He's...he's unbearable, and hot, and even more unbearable because he's hot!" Lysithea yelled, slamming an empty cup on the counter.

Linhardt poured her another cup of fruit juice. "And unbearably hot?"

"...That, too."

"I really think you should confess," Ignatz said. "You two have been...well, Claude is the only one who flirts, but you two have been doing that back and forth thing since the academy days! I think the feeling's mutual."

"What? No, I told you, he only sees me as a little sister!"

"If somebody looked at their younger sibling the way he looks at you," Yuri said, "I would have several questions."

"Okay, maybe not literally, but..." Lysithea fidgeted. "...Look, it's not going to work."

"Don't you always stay with him at nights in the library?" Felix asked. "Just fuckin' grab him and start making out."

Ignatz, face red from copious amounts of alcohol, enthusiastically nodded. "Yes, that's the perfect atmosphere to take the initiative in!"

"We study battlefield strategies together. How am I supposed to go from that to kissing him?"

Linhardt shrugged and lit a row of cocktails on fire for no particular reason, while Yuri juggled empty bottles.

"I dunno, Claude looks like someone who would get hot and bothered talking about tactics."

"Yeah, flank that smug bastard attitude when he least expects it and smash that Riegan ass like you'd smash a fortress gate."

Lysithea groaned buried her face into her hands. "This group was a mistake."

"Start dating him and you can get out of here," Felix pointed out.

"No."

"Guess we'll just have to annoy you into confessing, then," Linhardt said, pushing cocktail glasses to the other two "customers."

Lysithea reached out to take a glass for herself with a sigh, downed it in one shot, and coughed from the bitter taste while the others held back laughter.

\---

"He's so nice," Ignatz (literally) cried. "He's so nice and I don't deserve him!"

Yuri, who also began drinking at this point, waved a bottle and frowned. "Explain."

"He always watches out for me on the battlefield, he lets me do croquis of him, he cooks for me, he's been doing all this since we were kids! He's an angel!"

"How long...have you like, liked him...?" Lysithea drawled out, tongue not functioning properly due to alcohol.

"I don't know," Ignatz sobbed. "That's the worst part, I used to be able to do all this stuff with him but now I can't, because everything makes me hyper-conscious. And I don't want him to think that's because I suddenly dislike him or anything when it's actually the opposite and..."

"Ah, yes, the timeless classic, of that really awkward stage between friends and lovers," Linhardt, who was draped over the counter, nodded. "Don't worry, I hear everyone eventually gets over it."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Just kiss, you idiots!" Felix yelled, and fell out of his chair onto the ground.

He stayed there, while Ignatz continued to cry and go into loving detail about the beauty of Raphael's each and every muscle.

\---

"You two," Felix said, pointing at the two bartenders.

"Yeah?"

"Yes?"

"We've embarassed ourselves thoroughly talking about our love lives, so you two better do it, too."

Yuri smirked in the most nerve-grating, taunting way possible.

"Do you really want to hear about my novel series-worthy blood-forged journey of strangers to friends to lovers with Hapi?"

"..."

"Do you actually want to hear about all the times we've saved each other's asses and the deep connection we share and how much it owns to have your best friend also be your girlfriend?"

"..."

"Would you really be able to handle hearing about how we talk about life and past and present and future together while stargazing and holding hands and--"

"...Fuck you. Linhardt?"

Linhardt made a vague waving motion. "I basically proposed to Marianne last week."

Felix seethed so hard that he passed out.

\---  
\---

Three pairs of feet stepped into a room littered with alcohol stench, empty bottles, and several drunk people.

"Woah, what in the world happened here?" Claude asked, looking around. 

"F-Felix?!" Bernadetta skittered over to a corner, knelt down next to the swordsman, and poked him. "Oh no, d-did he die? You can't die yet, Felix! Bernie's still--"

"...'M not dead, y'r being foolish again..."

"Oh! You're alive! Thank goodness...!"

On the other side of the room, Raphael picked up Ignatz and gave him a big hug.

"There you are, Ig! I was looking for you! Did you drink a whole lot again?"

"Y-yeah, I guess I did..."

"You have to start eating more, buddy! You'll hold your liquor a lot better once you've got more meat on your bones," Raphael said, hoisting Ignatz over his shoulders.

"Haha, yes, maybe...oh...this is...nice..."

Claude raised an eyebrow and walked over to Lysithea, who managed to maintain a modicum of dignity by being splayed across the counter instead of the floor.

"Hello, Fódlan to Lysithea, are you still there? Did you actually drink real alcohol?" 

"...Hmph. And what if I did?"

"Means that I have to do this," Claude scooped her into his arms. 

"Don't...carry me, like some sort of child...!"

"This is more of a princess carry, actually," he said, then turned around to look at Yuri and Linhardt. "Thanks for letting me know she'd be here, you two."

"Y'r welcome."

"Sure...whatever..."

Claude glanced at the impromptu sign hanging over the counter. 

"Constipated Hearts Club, huh? Whoever came up with this isn't great at naming things."

Thankfully, that night became the last time the five of them would meet under that banner.


End file.
